The complicated and chaotic mind of Shaz

I'm in a reflective mood today and as I am avoiding doing any work at all, I figured it was time for a blog. Lately I have been contemplating a few things.... Life, Friends, and Change.

LIFE in general is good. Not perfect, I doubt it ever will be, but for the most part, I'm content. I still lack direction and this sometimes scares me, but I'm learning that things will happen in time, and there's no point stressing about things we have little control over. I have been listening to friend's advice lately and it is all starting to sink in. Impatience is a curse that I suffer from and I drive myself insane with it. But I'm learning that those things we have to wait for are almost always worth it.

My best friend Jodie-Anne gave birth to her son on Friday and he's beautiful. This, as you can imagine, got me thinking.... life is ticking away, and what do I have to show for it. Yes, I have awesome friends, a family that loves me, and a job I generally love, but yet I still feel I'm holding back from beginning my life. I remember being 16 and (like most 16 year old girls) planning out my future. I always thought I would be married by 24, and would have started a family by now. My Brother (whom is younger, I should add) is married, has a Son, and another one on the way, and I feel some what inferior in comparison. What defines a successful life? What are we truly measured by? Is it marriage, and children? Is it a career? Or is it how happy and fulfilled we feel about ourselves? And is there a time line that we should be striving to follow?

It seems everywhere I turn at the moment, I hear about another engagement or another baby, and I consider, should I be one of these people? My family of course, are not helping matters at all. For the last 3 years they have been pointing out the obvious at every given moment... it's time to settle down now Shaz, Dave is already married, wow.... better get a move on. This naturally ignites my inner rebel and I take four steps back. Why is it so important for others to dictate my future? I'm satisfied with where I am at present (I think) and therefore I should just stop stressing about pleasing others, and what their opinions of me are. I think I just answered my own question!

Moving right along..... Next topic.... FRIENDS. I have made some great new friends during the last six months. My life has improved so much since meeting Amy-Felicity. I have never felt so accepted and appreciated than I have since meeting her and all of you. A particular person recently called me a "breathe of fresh air" and they have no idea how much this impacted my life and especially my self confidence. I feel I have changed a lot this year and this is greatly due to my new friends. You are all so liberating, and you all seem so carefree (the majority of the time). I was talking to an old friend the other day and she made the comment that I seem some what different. In fact her wording was, "you seem happy and a lot more confident". I immediately told her about you all and that I met you at a point in my life, where I was ready for change. I have always had friends whom were stronger than me, so that I felt as though I had someone to follow or to hide behind. This was evidently a defense shield as believe it or not, I use to be the shyest person I knew. It wasn't until becoming a dance teacher that I started to come out of my shell. I still find myself a little quiet sometimes but I can normally snap out of it before anyone notices. Isn't it funny how different our perceptions of ourselves and those of others can be so completely opposite. And how our outer appearances can hide how we are truly feeling on the inside. All our insecurities and fear can be camouflage with a simply smile or laugh. And if that fails.... have another drink! There's nothing better to disguise fear than alcohol! Hehehe!

CHANGE is inevitable and we will have to succumb to it eventually. It amazes me that you are all still so close after high school, believe me, this is rare and you should all treasure each other and your friendships. I know things have changed since then, as I have spoken to a number of you about it on different occasions, but this is destined to happen. Change isn't always a bad thing, it's growth. So I encourage you all to embrace it, and learn from it's lessons. Relationships will end, and then new ones will begin, and some of them are certain to remain "confusing and complicated" forever. But whatever the situation, we are whom we are because of them, and therefore we should strive to accept this. Change is scary and often avoided for this reason, but it takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, and to embrace the new. There is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

So there you have it, my random ramblings, and an insight into the complicated and chaotic mind of Shaz.